i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
