happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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