He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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