She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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