Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
