why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
