it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
