Your face is a jimmy john
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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