I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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