I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
