Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
