I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
