the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
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