Umm I'm too high to move.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
