Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
