I'm really into asian looking animals
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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