fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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