is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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