mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
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