then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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