mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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