Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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