how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
