What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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