I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
