thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Green mimosas i think yes
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
