Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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