Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
