I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
