I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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