Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
