i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
