To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
