My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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