Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm both gender and math confused
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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