I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
