Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
