just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
whose parrot is this?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
