Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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