Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The Olympian is in my bed
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
