just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
