Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
