Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
