I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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