my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
