lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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