It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
