Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
