forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
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