I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Drunk is not a location!
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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