Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
