I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
