I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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