Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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