saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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