dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
