Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
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